


The Barden Bellas

by Bjorntheblorg



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Aca-child, All the Bellas eventually, F/F, Inspired by Incorrect Barden Bellas, aca-moms, unrelated one-shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:25:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 8,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15042734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bjorntheblorg/pseuds/Bjorntheblorg
Summary: Basically, I found the Incorrect Barden Bellas tumblr, and got inspired to use some of the quotes as prompts.This is my one-shot holding place for everything I can think off. The only thing you can expect is my attempts at humor and really OOC Bellas. Just an FYI, not all of the prompts are from the Incorrect Barden Bellas, but a ton of them are.





	1. Scared of the Dark

Beca Mitchell wasn’t scared of anything, except for the dark. Yes, it was sickeningly clique, but there was a good reason, there was nothing good in the dark. You never know what’s hidden, it could be Jessica trying to find her way to her room or it could be a scorned Lily holding a chef’s knife looking for a poor soul.

 

(Both of those have happened, and Lily found her person. No one really knows what happened afterward, even the police. All Beca knew was the person was placed into speech therapy.)

 

When Emily became the newest Bella Beca felt responsible for her safety since she was the most level headed of the Older Bellas. 

 

(It didn’t hurt that Emily looked up to her, and Emily was literally an aca-child.)

 

Somehow it became second nature for her to constantly look out for Emily, not because she was naive but because the Bellas were a hand full that took time to understand. One time she caught Emily almost taking a sip of Chloe’s ginger juice, she quickly stopped that because first, it was illegal, and second Chloe could out drink an elephant.

 

Just like her and exercise, too much too soon was going to hurt something eventually.

 

Her habit was noticed by the other Bellas, who affectionately dubbed her “aca-mom”. But, Beca felt like a failure. She couldn’t be an aca-mom if she was terrified of the dark. What would happen if something happened to Emily during the night and she couldn’t leave her room because the hall lights were out?

 

(Chloe got Aubrey to install timers on the lights in the Bella house to save on electricity (What she told Aubrey), and because it was freaking annoying to have a light on at 4 in the morning when some people are still sleeping/hungover.)

 

One day Beca couldn’t find Lily, and she thought nothing about it until the Bellas roped her into watching a horror movie. It wasn’t even Halloween or Friday the 13th, Chloe just felt like it and she put something on. Emily got the popcorn and Fat Amy brought out the drinks. 

 

Beca watched Emily’s drinks, not that the Bellas would slip her alcohol on purpose, but sometimes Emily didn’t notice what she was grabbing and would accidentally Fat Amy’s can of Boag instead of her Coke.

 

(Which didn’t make sense since they looked nothing alike, but Beca didn’t judge.)

 

That night, Beca couldn’t sleep.

 

‘Damn Aubrey, Damn these stupid timers, Damn Chloe for being nice and polite!’ She cursed, opening the lamp she bought. It was small, and only lit up half the room, but it was far better than being in complete darkness.

 

Emily slept in the room to her right, and Chloe to her left. The ginger wanted to share a room, but because of several reasons, mostly because of Beca’s crippling (and embarrassing) fear of the dark, they didn’t.

 

Which was stupid now, because Beca couldn’t sleep, her tiny lamp was too small, and her heart was pounding in her chest so hard she thought she would have a heart attack.

 

A heart attack sounded nice about now.

 

Beca blinked, and forced her eyes open, if she kept looking she couldn’t get caught off guard and die. Something moved in the corner of her eye and her head twisted so fast it almost snapped.

 

Her window was open, but she couldn’t leave her corner to close it, something might sneak up on her while her back was turned. 

 

‘Beca, relax.’ She thought, trying to be as quiet as possible. ‘There is nothing in the dark except the other Bellas.’

 

She’s such a bad aca-mom, she was terrified of the dark.

 

‘Imagine if Emily knew.’ She thought. It sobered her quickly and gave her the courage to lay down and close her eyes. For a moment.

 

Once she gathered the courage something scrapped by her door and her eyes flew open. Her heart almost exploded in her chest and she looked around. It was 11:43pm, but luckily she had no classes the next day.

 

“Moooooooooooom!” Emily yelled, Emily took to being an aca-child well, even going so far as to call Beca and Chloe her aca-parents.

 

“Yes?” Both Co-Captains called out.

 

“There’s a monster under my bed!” 

 

It must have been the movie, her shot nerves, and her over protectiveness but Beca screamed in terror. “SHUT THE FUCK UP IT CAN HEAR YOU EMILY! OH MY GOD YOU'RE GONNA DIE!”

 

Two sets of feet ran to her door while Beca sat there in complete terror. She had just told Emily to “shut the fuck up.” The aca-child. 

 

Chloe gently smiled at her and tackled her with a hug. Even after cussing out the aca-child (which was the only illegal thing in the Bella house) her girlfriend’s first thought was to comfort her. Chloe was the only other Bella who knew Beca’s secret, she accidentally found out when Beca refused to get her electricity cut.

 

(Chloe cut the hall anyway, but kept the electricity flowing to Beca’s room.)

 

“Beca are you okay?” Those few words melted Beca's heart and suddenly she was less afraid of the dark.

 

“Yeah.” The fear caught up to her and she began crying, the stress slowly melting off her shoulders.

 

Emily stood in the hallway, unsure how to react. Chloe quickly motioned her in, and explained the situation in hushed whispers.

 

“I’m a horrible aca-mom!” Beca sobbed. “I’m afraid of the dark! You can’t be a good mom if you're afraid of the dark! Chloe! What about our children? They’re going to have a pus…”

 

“Beca!” Chloe said firmly. “You will be a great mom.”

 

“Yeah, you’re an awesome aca-mom.” Emily smiled. “I’m sorry if I bothered you…”

 

“No dude, I uh, just yeah.” Beca shrugged defeated. “I’m sorry I yelled at you dude. It was really funny and I have no chill.”

 

“I thought it was really funny,” Emily said, sitting at the foot of Beca’s bed. “But, I got worried when your voice broke.”

 

Beca gave a watery laugh and Chloe slid into Beca’s bed.

 

“Let’s have a aca-family sleepover,” Chloe said smiling. “Come on Em.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote (Changed it to Beca because I feel like she would actually say this instead of Emily)
> 
> "  
> Emily: I’d be a horrible mother.  
> Emily: Mainly because I’m still afraid of the dark. You can’t be a good mom if you’re afraid of the dark.  
> Emily: If my daughter yelled ‘Mooom there’s a monster under my bed!’ I’d say ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP, HE CAN HEAR YOU.’  
> "
> 
> Link : https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/166155092592/emily-id-be-a-horrible-mother-emily-mainly


	2. Oh my aca-gee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Emily learns not to curse around her parents.  
> (More aca-child Emily)

“Oh aca-gee.” Emily sighed looking at the mess she made. 

 

It was Saturday, and Emily had no classes so she decided to make some cookies for all the Bellas. Also, she was bored to tears because Beca refused to take her anywhere on campus because apparently Stacie was out “hunting” and it wasn’t safe.

 

She dropped the butter, just one stick, but it was soft and melted already so it splattered everywhere on the floor.

 

Trying to pick it up, she realized she needed a rag when it kept squeezing out of her grasp so she stood, and hit the cup of flour she was about to use.

 

At least they had more butter and flour, but buttery flour was such a pain to clean up. 

 

“Gosh.” She swore as she fished around the kitchen cabinet for the broom. 

 

“Emily!” Beca roared from the living room where she and Chloe were cuddling. “Watch your fucking language goddamn!” 

 

Emily yelped and dropped her broom into the buttery mess. Gosh! Now the handle was buttered up and slippery!

 

“Where did she learn it from?” Chloe sobbed into Beca’s chest. “We’re such bad parents!”

 

“Honey don’t say that.” Beca whispered, rubbing Chloe’s back. “Don’t worry, we’ll straighten her out. Aubrey runs a corrections camp right? We can send her there.”

 

Emily looked at them, frowned, and shrugged. They were both so weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chloe: Emily said a bad word in class.  
> Beca: Where the fuck did she learn that?
> 
> Emily: Oh, fiddlesticks.  
> Fat Amy: Look, I understand that this is a tense situation but let’s watch the fucking language.
> 
> Two Prompts in one  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/164983960785/chloe-emily-said-a-bad-word-in-class-beca-where  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/164690538473/emily-oh-fiddlesticks-fat-amy-look-i


	3. What did you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deets:
> 
> Aubrey and Chloe are Juniors when they meet the Bellas.

“Aubrey Posen speaking.” Aubrey wasn’t a stranger to random calls in the middle of… whenever really.

 

Ever since the Bellas returned to Barden since summer everyone on campus has had a complaint or so about the Bellas. Even the Bellas.

 

So, being the captain most likely to pick up the phone (She loved Chloe and such took over the complaints department) she had been on the end of most “talks” about Bella behavior.

 

Yes, she loved the Bellas, but there was only so much a human could handle. There was a reason she had ‘Bella Rules’, it wasn’t because she hated the Bellas it was because she was going to lose her gosh darn motherfucking mind. 

 

“It’s Emily.””

 

“Oh my aca-god what did Emily do?”

 

She knew this was going to happen, damn it! How could she let Beca be in charge of the most normal person on this team? Scratch that, how could she let the Bellas corrupt the most normal person on this team? Emily was just awkward, and that was normal!

 

Where in the aca-hell was Beca? Aubrey was about to send her there.

 

“No, it’s me Emily?”

 

“What did they make you do?” Aubrey shrieked.

 

“Uhm… Nothing?”

 

“Oh, that’s good.” Aubrey said, pressing her fingers against her throat. “How are you?”

 

“I’m pretty good. I’m calling because I need some help with my Math homework and Chloe said you’d be able to help.”

 

“Yes. Math homework.” Just because Aubrey had to ask. "Are you really Emily?"

 

"Yes?"   
  


"Just making sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/160315673326


	4. Pops

Chloe was sitting down at the dinner table and was nibbling on a bagel thinking about the things she needed to do today. Beca and Stacie were making breakfast, or at the very least looking for food that wouldn’t take more than five minutes to prepare.

 

Oh! She just remembered she needed to call someone.

 

“Ok Google,” Because she was too lazy to put to down her bagel and type out the name she used Google. To be fair, it was a lot of work for a phone call. “, Call Dad.”

 

“Calling Daddy.” Google said.

 

Wait. She had a 'daddy'?

 

“You still call your dad ‘Daddy’?” Beca asked, amused. Stacie even raised an eyebrow, they had both found the milk and were opening a new package of Oreos. 

 

Oh yeah. She remembered who that was.

 

“Putting Daddy on Speaker.” Google unhelpfully said. She didn’t even know Google could do that.

 

Okay, yes she did still call her father 'daddy', but she put her dad as "Papa Beale" under her contact list. Staring directly into Beca's stormy, judgemental, grey eyes she smiled as the other person picked up.

 

“Hello Chloe, good morning.” Aubrey said, her voice blasted through Chloe’s speakers.

 

Aubrey always said that she was going to lose her hearing because of how loud she always kept her volume, but in that moment Chloe wished she could make the volume louder. Beca snorted the milk she found and Stacie banged on Beca’s back until the shorter brunette could breathe properly again. Beca's face was bright red, redder than her hair even and Stacie was giving her a very suggestive look.

 

“Was that Beca or Fat Amy?” Aubrey asked. Her voice wasn’t tinny, surprisingly enough. The phone Aubrey bought her was amazing.

 

“You’re on speaker Aubrey.” Chloe said smiling. “And good morning! I love you!”

 

“I love you too. Beca stop choking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chaubrey twist because I love Chaubrey. (I was going to go with Mitchsen at first, but maybe later.)  
> Edit : Thank you for the love guys! I didn't expect anyone to read this lol, thank you for the kudos and reviews!  
> Frankenstein Prompt
> 
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/161708478877/chloe-siri-call-dad-siri-calling  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/159845317857/stacies-phone-starts-ringing-chloe-looks-at  
> [Stacie's phone starts ringing]  
> Chloe: [looks at who's calling] You still call your dad 'Daddy'?  
> Stacie: [answers call and makes direct eye contact with Chloe]  
> Stacie: Hey, Aubrey.  
> Chloe: [chokes on drink]
> 
> Chloe: Siri, call Dad.  
> Siri: Calling "Daddy"  
> Chloe: Wait n—  
> Beca: Hello?


	5. Blaring Alarms

Aubrey was up with a smile, which proved how much of a sadistic fuck she was to Beca. For the third time that week her alarm was set to 5:00 am, an ungodly hour, which lead to her violently screaming and waking the entire house. 

 

(Which wasn’t that bad since she moved into Aubrey’s condo a month ago, but still was irritating to all hell since Beca never got up before nine, and that one time was because it was her birthday and Aubrey surprised her with in bed breakfast.)

 

She could have sworn she turned off the damned alarm, even setting the alarm on her phone instead of her alarm clock, but for some strange reason on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays it blared faithfully at 5:00 with a rowdy “GOOOOD MORNING AMERICA!”.

 

She would then wake the entire house screaming back, “GOD FUCK MOTHERFUCKER!”, or some variation of that.

 

At first she was ashamed that her technical problem was waking Aubrey up, her blonde girlfriend was a lawyer and such sleep was in short supply, but she got suspicious when Aubrey made no move to fix the problem. 

 

Normally her blonde girlfriend would be quick to fix most of Beca’s domestic problems.

 

(Social problems, according to Aubrey, were to be fixed by Beca herself. Which wasn’t fair because Aubrey had the unnatural ability to scare anyone into submission.)

 

Like the one time Beca accidentally broke the coffee maker and Aubrey quickly took one out of their cabinet. Apparently, she already had three ready in case Beca broke three coffee makers in one day again. There was even that one time when Beca accidentally broke her bed and Aubrey bought her a brand new one from IKEA.

 

(Okay, that one only half counted because Aubrey bought her a princess bed out of spite because that was the second bed “she” broke that month.

 

And nothing, absolutely nothing, could force her to tell the blonde that the second bed broke because she had Fat Amy over explicitly after Aubrey had told her not to. Surprisingly enough she actually loved her life.)

 

She googled how to reset her alarm, and got an idea.

 

(Not because resetting the alarm was too hard, why are there so many gosh darn things on them anyway?)

 

“Aubs, I need help resetting my alarm!” She whined, Aubrey was in the kitchen taking stock of everything they needed to buy tomorrow because tomorrow was shopping day. “It’s stuck at 5am!”

 

“I set it like that!” Aubrey yelled back from the hallway.

 

“Dude! Why? What did I do?” Beca groaned, she loved her girlfriend but probably not this much. “Is it because I invited Fat Amy and the Bellas over for a surprise party?”

 

“No, it’s for purely practical reasons.” 

 

“Like what?”

 

“My alarm is nowhere near as reliable as your screams.” Aubrey said, she made her way to Beca’s room and gave her a sheepish grin.

 

“Just record it or something.” Beca groaned again and rolled her eyes, trying to hide her slowly forming grin. “Unlike you, I like sleeping.”

 

“I'm sorry, forgive me?”

 

(And Beca totally did later that night.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : Mitchsen because I do <3 Mitchsen
> 
> Beca: You set my alarm for 5:15am  
> Chloe: I know, and I did this for purely practical reasons.  
> Beca: Which are?  
> Chloe: My alarm is just not as reliable as your screams  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/172077293809/beca-you-set-my-alarm-for-515am-chloe-i-know


	6. Monopono

Emily sat in the middle of the table, with a furious Beca and an enraged Chloe staring down at each other trying to murder through glares. 

 

When she asked the Bella captains for a game night they agreed, but the moment it was announced to the entire group most of the Bellas disappeared to other events. That was the first warning.

 

The second was when Chloe and Beca began arguing about the game they were going to play, they were only yelling at each other.

 

“Mario Cart!” Beca snarled when Chloe suggested Uno.

 

“What about monopoly?” Emily innocently asked. She fucked up, big time.

 

Beca and Chloe smiled, and Emily thought she was safe, which was her second mistake of the night. Beca had been surprisingly helpful in getting the table set, normally that would fall on any other Bella present. Say what you would about Beca’s discipline, but the aspiring music producer had a willpower that could rival Aubrey’s on a bad day.

 

(No one could rival Aubrey on a good day. She built a city in Europe through sheer willpower while staying in Georgia on a “relaxing” staycation. )

Emily was out in five passes, Chloe had built several apartments on her properties while Beca was buying as many as she could. It climaxed into Beca giving Chloe all of her cash because Chloe built four apartments on her only blue property. That Beca owned, apparently. Honestly, Emily stopped paying attention after the third go around the board.

 

“ You're a lying, cheating, piece of shit! This isn't the woman I married!” Beca screamed throwing her cards at Chloe. 

 

**“** Then we'll get divorced - and you're taking the Bellas!” Chloe shot back, throwing her empty soda can. “I’m taking Emily!”

 

“I think we're gonna stop playing now.” Emily whispered, grabbing the neglected board while Chloe and Beca duked it out. 

 

Bella game night was definitely scratched off her list, at least until Chloe and Beca graduated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : Return of the Aca-child Emily
> 
> Aubrey: You're a lying, cheating, piece of shit! This isn't the woman I married!  
> Stacie: Then we'll get divorced - and you're taking the Bellas!  
> Chloe, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're gonna stop playing now.  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/164769623694/aubrey-youre-a-lying-cheating-piece-of-shit


	7. I have no words for this one tbh

The shriek that resounded through the entire Bella house was loud enough that Beca heard it through her headphones. She turned and saw Stacie laying on her bed for some strange reason with her earphones plugged into a laptop resting on her chest and lap.

 

Considering that Stacie and Fat Amy were the most shameless Bellas, and Chloe’s intimate nature privacy was in short supply in the Bella household. 

 

“What?” Beca barked, not particularly happy that Stacie broke her concentration.

 

It took her some time to get completely lost in the mixing process and she had just been inspired so the scream threw off her mojo.

 

“ I JUST FOUND MY SEVENTH GRADE TEACHER ON A GAY PORN WEBSITE OHMYSWEETJESUS!” Stacie screamed, apparently her mind was still in shock.

 

“Your who now?”

 

“My seventh-grade math teacher.” Stacie’s volume went down, which was nice. They were only five feet away from each other and Stacie had powerful lungs.

 

“Wait, why are you on a gay porn website?” Beca asked, her eyebrows scrunching together.

 

“For cream pie recipes.” Stacie rolled her eyes. “What the fuck do you think?”   
  


Beca gagged. Pie was ruined for her now.

 

Wait.

 

“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING GAY PORN IN MY BED?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The worst part about it was Stacie also said the words “Gay Porn”, but Beca was the only one getting punished for yelling it throughout the entire house. Chloe forced her to put money in the swear jar they got because of Emily, which was stupid since it was used to buy pizza and booze. That was like priests using tithe money to pay for hookers. 

 

And Gay Porn is not a swear word!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stacie: I JUST FOUND MY SEVENTH GRADE TEACHER ON A GAY PORN WEBSITE OHMYSWEETJESUS!
> 
> Beca: What were you doing on a gay porn website?
> 
> Stacie: For oatmeal recipes. Why the fuck do you think?
> 
> ~ quote submitted by soqueerballs ~  
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/163735218631/stacie-i-just-found-my-seventh-grade-teacher-on-a


	8. Here I am

“In life you’re allowed to lose things. It’s inevitable Aubrey. People come and go.”

 

When Aubrey woke up this morning she wasn’t expecting Fat Amy to tell her this. Then again, she never expected someone to try and lure Chloe away with a candy bar. Or be successful at it.

 

“It doesn’t mean we can lose Chloe!” She snapped back.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Perhaps she should start at the beginning, or the beginning for her at least. Fat Amy called her, she and Chloe were going bar hopping because they could both out drink an elephant. Stacie was going to join them, the Hunter needed fresh meat, but Beca roped her into helping her fundraise.

 

Aubrey already knew it was a bad idea, just from the sound of it, but she refused to get involved because she made a pact with herself. It was Beca’s turn to be the leader of the Bellas, she already served her time.

 

So, to distract herself while the leader inside of her screamed, she began building a log cabin.

 

(It was just an extension of the camp, for people who HAD their sound and lives together and just wanted a fake natural place to flaunt how rich they were to the world. )

 

Then, her phone rang.

 

“Aubrey, don’t freak out.” Fat Amy’s ever soothing voice was unconvincing. 

 

“About?”

 

“Come to the Bella’s house.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Aubrey jabbed her fingers into her neck. She knew it was a bad idea to go, but she still went anyway and there was no one to blame but herself. Fat Amy was smiling at her, but in a way that made Aubrey’s blood pressure soar to new heights.

 

“I’m offended you’d think I’d freak out.” Aubrey said, holding her fingers steady until the second hand on the clock touched the “3”. 26, yeah that probably wasn’t good.

 

“You’re checking your pulse as we speak!” Fat Amy said, raising an eyebrow and pointing her finger which served to make Aubrey even more enraged than before.

 

“What happened?” Aubrey asked, with as much venom in her voice as she could muster.

 

Fat Amy recoiled, physically recoiled, and it made Aubrey feel slightly better about all of this.

 

“A stranger just lured Chloe away with a candy bar.” Fat Amy said, and quickly added before Aubrey could strangle her. “In my defense we were both drunk.”

 

“THAT IS NOT A DEFENSE!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

By the time Beca got involved Aubrey already called the Georgia State Police, the city police, and even the campus police. She managed to get all of the departments to not only cooperate but also begin a massive manhunt throughout the entire State for Chloe.

 

Aubrey was busy highlighting a map, optimizing the route she was going to use to check Chloe’s usual haunts. 

 

“Aubrey, what are you doing?” Beca knew by now to stand a few feet away to keep safe from the dedicated blonde.

 

Not because Aubrey would (actively) hurt her on purpose, but because when Aubrey was in lecturing mode anything in a three foot radius became a casualty.

 

“Finding the most optimal route to search through all of Chloe’s favorite locations to shorten my search for her.” Aubrey said quickly, not looking up from her paper.

 

“Oh, okay.” Beca frowned. “Wait… did Fat Amy call you?”

 

Aubrey stopped highlighting, turning her killer gaze toward the unfortunate Beca.

 

“What.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beca was the one who apologized to all of the police officers, and explained the entire situation to them while Aubrey’s eyes bore into the back of her head.

 

“Now. Explain what you’ve done.” Aubrey said, she didn’t catch most of it since she had to sign paperwork and rally Chloe and Fat Amy.

 

Beca rubbed the back of her neck and gave the murderous blonde a sheepish grin.

 

“I was trying to test Fat Amy, so I lured Chloe away with a candy bar to see what she would do. We were trying to test her reaction skills."

 

“Hmmm.” Aubrey would have said more but Chloe was hugging her and she couldn’t stay mad if Chloe was there. Mostly.

 

“In my defense I didn’t think Fat Amy would call you first.” Beca said. “That’s like using a nuke when all you need is bug spray.”

 

At least she was better than bug spray. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/163229169570/aubrey-im-offended-that-you-think-i-would-freak
> 
> https://incorrectbardenbellas.tumblr.com/post/163384047844/aubrey-what-just-happened-chloe-a-stranger-just
> 
>  
> 
> Aubrey: What just happened?
> 
> Chloe: A stranger just lured Amy away with a candy bar.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Aubrey: I'm offended that you think I would freak out.
> 
> Chloe: You're checking your pulse as we speak!
> 
>  
> 
> The “you’re allowed to lose things” was something I cooked up while the rest is from Incorrectbardenbellas. The bit, in the end, was from a book about vampires I read a few years ago where someone was talking about their patron vampire.


	9. She's so hiiiiiiighhhhh high above me

Aubrey was the straightest Bella, (Not talking about sexuality), so when they decided to play Truth or Dare one Friday night, Stacie had an idea.

 

“Aubrey, Truth or Dare?” Stacie asked, winking and licking her lips so the blonde would be scared into forfeiting a secret. 

 

(It wasn’t because she didn’t want it, but there was something weighing heavily on her mind and she had to know. Otherwise she would love to have the blonde do some things, if you catch her drift.)

 

Aubrey reacted as expected, she picked Truth and Stacie grinned. The crux of her night was in reach, she made sure Aubrey had a few drinks, but not to many. A buzzed aca-dictator  had a loose mouth, a drunk aca-overlord lost all ability to form words.

 

“Aubrey, have you ever taken recreational drugs?”

 

The blonde blinked.

 

“I had a brownie once.” Aubrey said, slowly. Her eyes darted around the entire room, looking at each Bella. “At a college party, it was indescribable. I felt like I was floating, which was kinda bad because I had an appointment with an Army Recruiter the next morning for a drug test. I went of course.”

 

Chloe’s eyes widened. “You ate one of my pot brownies? Bree I’m so sorry! I know you wanted to join the… Oh my God is that why you got rejected by the… I’m so sorry Bree!”

 

Chloe grabbed her best friend and started sobbing into Aubrey’s shirt, while the other Bellas looked on with differing levels of amazement. Stacie herself was stunned, Aubrey had the balls to get tested with drugs in her system.

 

“Chloe, why are you crying?” 

 

“Because I ruined your chances with the Army?” Chloe sobbed. 

 

“No?” Aubrey looked into Chloe’s blue eyes and frowned. “ There was no pot in the brownie, it was just a really good brownie.”

 

“So you’ve never had drugs?” Stacie, to say the least, was utterly crushed and disappointed. She thought she finally found something about Aubrey, something that wasn’t so straight edge.

 

“Huh?” Aubrey slowly looked up at her and Stacie suddenly noticed how dilated her pupils were. “I’m on drugs  _ now _ . I didn’t join the Army because I realized I had to be sober the entire time.”

 

Chloe shot up and looked at Aubrey’s eyes. “Bree! Have you been smoking again?”

 

“Again?” Beca asked, laughing, while holding the iconic yellow cup Chloe forced her to use for the night.

 

Aubrey leaned back, her eyes wide in shock. 

 

“Why the fuck do we have a floating yellow cup?” She screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Parks and Rec, modified slightly because I thought it would be really funny if Leslie was actually high. I know drugs don't make people disappear, imagine it's a special drug or something.


	10. DIE-abetus

“Um, why?”

 

Aubrey was normally very articulate, it was part of Posen breeding after all, but there were times when her genes (and tutors) failed her.

 

Many times it had to do with her unorthodox neighbours, Beca and Chloe were a nice couple but they came from a very different world than Aubrey. They were loud, passionate, and unashamed. Partially from how nice Chloe was, and partially because Aubrey was raised to keep up appearances, everytime Beca came over and asked for sugar Aubrey always gave her some.

 

It had become so routine that Aubrey bought twice the amount of sugar she was going to use that week, she baked too, and gave the rest to Beca when she inevitably walked over to ask for a cup.

 

Today though, Beca looked… mad… and Aubrey was of course slightly curious.

 

“Beca,” Aubrey said while pouring the sugar into a bag. “Not that I’m upset or anything, but you do you keep asking me for sugar?”

 

Beca’s eyes flared and Aubrey was worried she had unleashed a beast upon her house.

 

(Which would have been a bitch since she had just cleaned up the entire house for spring and even bought herself some new _expensive_ furniture.)

 

“I’m sorry…” The words died in her throat as Beca shook her head.

 

“No, I’m not mad at you.” She clarified, looking at the bag. “It’s Chloe. She refuses to buy a bag because she thinks I would eat the entire thing to give myself diabetes on purpose. Which is stupid, because she bakes so much I might as well have.”

 

“Why?” Aubrey was at a loss for words, she couldn’t wrap her head around it.

 

Beca shrugged. “That was my reaction too.” She looked up, thoughtful. “Honestly, if I wanted to leave her without a divorce I would just run away instead of trying to kill myself slowly. Quicker and easier.”

 

“Beca!” By now Aubrey was used to Beca’s offensive humor, but it still was a shock.

 

Beca grinned and shrugged, licking the spoon Aubrey was using to make liquid sugar with. Chloe also needed that, but the redhead couldn’t be trusted with making it. Aubrey’s insurance rates were still scarred from the incident.

 

“It’s true!” Chloe yelled, both women whipped their heads toward the enraged wife. Beca hadn't closed the door. “I knew you were doing this on purpose!”

 

“Babe it’s not what it looks like!” Beca yelped as Chloe tackled her, trying to get the offending spoon away from her wife.

 

Aubrey looked at the two and shrugged, she still had powdered sugar to make and they weren’t going to help her anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about this at work for some reason, and I thought it was too funny not to share. (Goes to show you my lack of humor lol)


	11. Kroks

There were fine lines that shouldn’t be crossed that Chloe wasn’t completely aware existed, but she was quite sure the stunt Beca was about to pull definitely crossed the line. She tried bargaining, begging, even withholding sex.

 

(The last one didn’t quite work , in her defense she had a bad day, Jane her co-worker was a grade A pain in her ass.)

 

“Beca, please, it’s been ten years!” She whined, she was running out of time and it was getting exhausting fighting with Beca all the damn time.

 

“Nope, nothing you can say will change my mind Chlo.” Beca said, locking her luggage.

 

They were flying to Jesse’s wedding in Northern California, and Beca was being difficult. Chloe wanted to yank her hair out, but she had it done just for the wedding so that would have been a waste of two hundred dollars.

 

Beca’s grin was almost intoxicating, until Chloe looked down at her luggage and suddenly the charm was lost.

 

“Beca.” Chloe tried, one last time, sighing. “Do you have any shame?”

 

“Nope!” Beca said, popping her “p”. “No, I don’t have shame. I will wear these crocs to the wedding and you can’t stop me.”

 

What the fuck did she do to deserve this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “No, I don’t have shame. I will wear these crocs to the wedding and you can’t stop me.”
> 
> http://witterprompts.tumblr.com/post/175612418689/no-i-dont-have-shame-i-will-wear-these-crocs


	12. Straight Edged man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got this one from chloe lamo.

There was a reason Aubrey stuck to rules, her parents were hippies, or as they called themselves, “Children of the Universe”. Life was easier when she followed the rules, she didn’t have to explain herself every time she decided to walk out in public. It was strange, since her father was a retired General, but her mother convinced him with weed, sex, and no rules. How could an Army guy resist?

 

Being the proverbial black sheep of the family, Aubrey’s parents refused to say the color since it gave off bad vibes, Aubrey was generally out of the loop, and she was far happier that way.

 

So when her parents invited her to “A piece of land they co-existed with nature on until they return to nature”, Aubrey shuddered. She booked the plane ticket of course because she was a woman of her word, but it was going to be… eventful to say the least. 

 

She was going to vomit, and it wasn’t going to be from stress.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dinner with her parents was interesting, they kept looking at each other and then her while frowning. The dank smell of weed permeated through the air, which would have been a concern earlier in the year when she was competing for an Army ROTC scholarship.

 

“So, Aubrey, have you been doing any drugs recently?”

 

Her head snapped to attention at the question. 

 

“No!” She barked.

 

“Have you had any sex recently?” Her mother asked.

 

“I’m not going to answer that.”

 

“Oh honey!” Her mother sobbed, pulling her father in close. “We raised a pussy!”

 

That was the exact reason she hated coming home. Good god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this is chapter 12 published on the 12th!


	13. Blang Blang

They were at another Bella reunion, this time Fat Amy organized it. She brought all of the Bellas out to her home in Australia, claiming that they needed to experience the “Down Under”. 

 

Really it wasn’t them experiencing the “Down Under”, more like a throwback to their college days when their livers could afford to drink forty shots in an hour. 

 

They kept in touch with the Bellas, but with Beca’s career as a music producer pulling them out of Atlanta and into LA, they couldn’t meet up with the other Bellas as frequently. But it was fine, they still had their seven-year-old Bellas group chat that was in constant use.

 

Though, they were saving the most important thing for today, when they could meet all of the Bellas in person. It was no secret that Chloe and Beca were dating during their college years, and beyond. It was no surprise when Chloe announced she would leave Atlanta with Beca, and it was absolutely no surprise that Chloe and Beca lived together.

 

So when Chloe came in happier than Aubrey when she discovered IKEA and Beca walked in as if she had to go with Aubrey to IKEA, the Bellas were curious. Fat Amy became their voice as she asked, “What’s wrong with Shortstack?”.

 

Chloe, with the biggest grin plastered on her face, said, “She’s my ex-girlfriend!”.

 

Whispers of dissent broke out among the Bellas, mostly "hows" and "they were so perfect for each other.". A few were questions about why Chloe looked so happy while Beca looked like death. 

 

“I told you to stop calling me that!” Beca groaned, her eyes rolled so far back into her head she could probably see her brain. 

 

“She’s my fiancee,” Chloe said, ignoring the moody music producer. “And you’re all invited!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://unholyhelbig.tumblr.com/post/175559065031/u-r-so-weird-quote-credit-mitchellandbeale


	14. Sup

So Beca had this cat. She wasn’t just some ordinary cat, she was ugly with only a face her mother could love, but Beca loved her. A lot. Sometimes even more than Chloe it felt like. Beca always clung to the idea that the cat forced itself into her life, refusing to leave the house after one stormy night when Beca let her in.

 

The problem with that story is why would Beca let her in at all? And second why would the cat go inside of a stranger’s house?

 

There were a lot of questions that Beca refused to answer, but Chloe let it go because she knew how much the cat meant to the little DJ. And it was really cute to see Beca fawn over the ugly thing.

 

Now the cat’s name was Up because Beca was watching the movie Up when she let the cat in.

 

(Neither Aubrey or Chloe understood why Beca of all people was watching a movie by herself.)

 

Up is a lazy cat, and only moves to eat or lay down in the warm sun. Which meant Up quickly gained weight, not enough to be obese because Aubrey wouldn’t let her, bur enough to make lifting Up a struggle. 

 

Chloe could lift up, thanks to her work. She had to lift heavy animals all the time as a shelter vet. Aubrey was Aubrey with guns of steel. 

 

(She could probably even lift both of her girlfriends at the same time.)

 

Beca, the black sheep of the family, couldn’t lift Up to save her life. The heaviest thing she ever needed to raise was a burrito to her mouth, and not even the monster burritos that Chloe demolished whenever Aubrey flew out of the country.

 

Which was a shame because the look of utter defeat on her face anytime the other two hoisted Up to her bed was heartbreaking. (And adorable). Aubrey had an exercise plan for her youngest girl, but Beca refused to exercise in a gym with them. As far as Chloe knew, Aubrey had crafted a way to make Beca exercise her arms so she could finally lift her fat cat, but there was no proof yet.

 

Until the day Chloe got home early because a wildfire.

 

(California on fire? What a shock.)

 

She walked into their bedroom, ready to take a shower and change out of her scrubs. There she saw the strangest thing Aubrey had ever planned for, Beca was holding Up.

 

“Beca, how are you holding Up?” Chloe asked, blinking hard trying to understand what her eyeballs were seeing.

 

Well, not completely. Beca held the cat up by her front legs, resting the rest of the cat on her lap. 

 

“By my stomach and crotch.” Beca said, her words were a bit slurred, probably pre-gaming. “She’s part of me now. She’s my new dick.”

 

“Okay.” Chloe knew it was wrong, but she didn’t know how to phrase eit.

 

“Absolutely not.” Oh thank goodness, the voice of reason was here.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this down while I was at a county fair. I was thinking of this picture while I wrote it.  
> http://weknowmemes.com/2013/02/infinite-cat/


	15. I'ma sue you yeah I'ma gonna sue YOU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aubrey's giving birth, Chloe's being helpful, and Beca's late.

It was finally time for her baby to be born and everything be damned if Beca couldn’t get there on time. Aubrey had incredibly strong genes, some children came early or late, not future Mr. Posen. No sir, the doctor gave him a due date and he delivered right on the dot.

 

Aubrey’s water broke at 12am that morning, as if the child refused to let anyone wait any longer. Beca had been out on a music tour, the remainder was canceled of course. In fact, the moment Chloe and Aubrey texted her at the same time, Beca called Theo to cancel the rest of the tour and hopped on the next flight back to New York where the blonde love of her life was giving birth to their child.

 

Each ticking minute, passing her by as the taxi flew to the hospital, wore on Beca’s soul. What if she missed the birth? Could she live with that?

 

Beca bit her thumb, forcing herself to not yell at the driver to go faster. While she had a life changing event in progress he would get one if he got caught speeding. Still, Beca wanted to scream.

 

Aubrey had even put her own law career on hold to have their child, taking the last three months off and the next three to care for their newborn while Beca was on tour. She’d need to change that, while touring was fun there was no way she was missing out on her son’s first few moments of life.

 

Chloe was texting her throughout the entire ride, giving her updates about Aubrey’s status. The blonde was still contracting with big spaces in between giving her hope. Aubrey wasn’t close to labor yet, and according to the websites she read Aubrey had at least a few more hours to go.

 

**chloebeale** : Bree wanted me to tell you, if you’re late she’s going to hunt you down and kill you herself. Or make your pregnant. :)

 

**chloebeale** : Becs hurry up! Bree’s crushing my hand!

 

**chloebeale** : I need a new hand :(

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Beca rushed there, ordering coffee for herself and Chloe on her phone while running around the halls of the hospital. A kind nurse took pity on her and escorted her to her wife’s room where Chloe was currently singing to the distressed blonde. 

 

“BECA!” She was greeted with an ear splitting scream from the lovely mother of her child. “What took you so long?”

 

“Sorry, traffic.” Beca gasped, collapsing into a chair opposite of Chloe.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beca almost threw up when she saw the uncleaned baby, it looked like a massive dirty jelly bean covered in period blood. Gross.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cleaned up Mr. James Posen- Mitchell was the cutest replica of Aubrey in the entire world. He had most of her features, her lips, nose, even forehead if that was possible. In fact, if Beca didn’t know any better she would have thought it wasn’t her’s.

 

The nurse laid James on Aubrey’s chest while Beca smiled and fawned over her son and wife. 

 

“Woah, he looks a lot like you Bree.” Beca whispered for some reason. It felt appropriate.

 

Aubrey gave her a watery smile. “I know, I’ve already filed for a copyright lawsuit against him. He’s using too much of my likeness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://unholyhelbig.tumblr.com/post/176858323991/chloe-holding-her-newborn-aw-she-looks-just-like
> 
> Chloe, holding her newborn: aw she looks just like you becs  
> Beca, trying not to cry: i know i’ve already filed for a copyright lawsuit


	16. Onesie Twosie Redsie Bluesie

They established pretty early on that Chloe was allowed to enter into any of the Bella’s homes whenever she wanted, within of course a certain geographical area. That area was generally considered to be much of the West Coast, Tasmania, New York, and wherever CR happened to be stationed at.

And since Aubrey had been Chloe’s best friend for the longest, by now the blonde was used to Chloe bursting through her door or randomly being home before she was. In fact, Chloe’s unannounced presence at her condo in LA was so routine, when Chloe hadn’t shown her face to at least one other Bella Aubrey knew something was wrong.

For example, today. Aubrey was home at her normal time, 4:30pm, greeted with quiet and peace. Not that it wasn’t unwelcome, but instantly her Chloe senses were tingling. It didn’t feel like Chloe was in danger, but knowing her energetic friend that could change in a heartbeat

She pulled out her phone and called the redhead. Somehow Chloe managed to sneak a profile picture onto her contact, without Aubrey noticing. Before she could ponder that, Chloe picked up.

“Hey Bree!” Chloe screeched, the blonde jerked her phone away from the noise, trying to rescue her punctured ear drums. “I’m a little busy right now, I’ll call you back later! Bye love you!”

At least Aubrey knew Chloe was safe(ish).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the afternoon wore into the evening, Aubrey decided to relax and settle down with a small cup of hot chocolate and some new Netflix Original playing on her television. Once she was nice and relaxed, in that zen sort of mode where she was at peace in her surroundings, a part of her furniture, Chloe burst through the door.

And thank goodness for that, Aubrey was about to die of boredom.

(Okay, it was nice, but Aubrey was made for work, no work makes a dull Aubrey, even in Chloe’s opinion.)

“Aubrey!” Chloe shrieked for the second time that day. “Beca said yes to the dress!”

Aubrey’s head snapped, but surprisingly she didn’t spill any hot chocolate, and her jaw dropped. 

“What, you’re getting married?” Aubrey shrieked herself. 

Chloe stopped and frowned. “What? No!”

The best friends stared at each other, Chloe broke the silence with a shake of her head.

“She agreed to wear a onesie!” 

Chloe turned and pointed toward the door with her entire body, Aubrey looked over and standing at her doorstep was Beca, dressed in the fluffiest pink unicorn onesie Aubrey had ever seen. 

They locked eyes. In a single fluid motion, Beca flashed her the peace sign and said, “Hey.”

Chloe quickly pulled Beca into the condo, slamming the door shut and placing herself and her new unicorn on Aubrey’s couch. 

“So, what are we watching Bree?”

“Aubrey having an aneurysm?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://setaptadraw.tumblr.com/post/176638055967/she-said-yes
> 
> Inspired by the comic above, slightly modified. I’d imagine Beca only going along with it because she secretly likes the onesie because its super soft and smells like Chloe.


	17. Bloks Sux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be funny. I'm not quite sure where the end came from, but I like it.

Beca blinked. Once, then twice to confirm what she was seeing. Nope. It wasn’t an illusion.

 

“Aubrey,” Beca said slowly, making herself look as small as possible. “Are you playing with lego pieces?”

 

Aubrey’s head whipped back so fast Beca got second hand whiplash. Her eyes were massive, like a wild animal, and in that moment Beca felt that primal urge to run. However she knew it wasn’t going to end well, the last few times she did something like that she ran head first into an open door / Aubrey tackled her and started screaming something about the metric system.

 

“Bree?”

 

“These are not legos!” She snapped, her shrill voice drilling into Beca’s head. “These are Mega Bloks!”

 

Beca paused. “Why?”

 

Aubrey looked back down, ignoring her. “How the fucking hell are these stupid pieces of plastic still in production! They should have gone bankrupt!”

 

Beca slowly inched inside of the room, unfortunately she left her headset somewhere behind Aubrey and had to get it for her Music Composition midterm. As she moved back she saw close to two whole lego sets completed, those building lego sets that have the black packaging and are lego replicas of famous buildings. Then behind Aubrey Beca spotted a half formed, most likely, Mega Bloks house that looked like a ugly duckling next to the legos.

 

“Oh my god Aubrey!” Beca laughed once she saw it, the pieces in Aubrey’s hands were split down one side. “You broke them!”

 

Aubrey scowelled and pulled out her engineering ruler Beca recognized. 

 

“Bree chill out.” Beca said out of habit. Once Aubrey whipped out her ruler, she lost all of her chill.

 

Aubrey’s eyes snapped up and Beca swallowed.

 

“I’M A CALM PERSON BECA.” Oh shit.

 

“Bree, you’re measuring the fucking Mega Bloks out.”

 

“Building blocks must be within strict tolerances.” Aubrey spat out. “Otherwise the entire structure will collapse and people will die.”

 

“Yikes.”

 

Aubrey was distracted by the blocks so Beca found the perfect opportunity to grab her headset, nearly five feet away from the feral blonde. As she grabbed them, she saw a shattered ruler. 

 

“Aubrey.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“What happened to this ruler?”

 

“It was a centimeter off Beca! It should have never been in circulation!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Beca came back, Aubrey was still in the exact same place, only this time in pajamas and staring angrily at a completed third set.

 

“Bree.” Beca lifted the takeout, crinkling the bag to alert Aubrey. The last time she set the food down without doing so, Aubrey had karate chopped her in the stomach.

 

Beca might have had a stiff right hook but Aubrey had a crippling chop.

 

Aubrey looked at her without a word.

 

Beca took it as a good sign and sat down next to her, placing the food in front of Aubrey.

 

“Eat, I got you that salad you like from Flo’s.” Beca pulled out her secret weapon, at the bright light that filled Aubrey’s eyes she knew the hundred dollars was well spent. “And this is for tomorrow, alright? Let’s have dinner and sleep. I’m sorry about your dad.”

 

Aubrey’s gaze left this plane, and Beca waited for her to come back. When she did Beca handed her a fork. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://totallycorrectpitchperfect.tumblr.com/post/177917937596/aubrey-nonsense-im-an-easygoing-person-stacie
> 
> Aubrey: Nonsense. I’m an easygoing person.
> 
> Stacie: Ok. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
> 
> Aubrey: It was off by half a centimeter. It never should have been in circulation.
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like I've cheated. Thanks for reading!


	18. Bull Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to our scheduled funny nonsense

Amy supposed she could try some of these American things. She did an American thing today anyway, driving a massive truck down the highway at full blast while playing “country” music. Might as well keep the ball rolling.

 

She made her way to a gas station to fill up the massive steel beast she borrowed from Aubrey, her blonde in crime. 

 

(There may or may not have been a Bella vs Treble fundraiser that required a truck. If Aubrey asks, there was.)

 

Inside the gas station, while she lined up to pay for her gas inside of the store while the pumps were outside? , she saw a blue and steel can that caught her attention. Bull Red.

 

Amy thought about it, Beca had drank a few of those to cram for midterms, and Chloe was always trying to introduce her to American things. Well, it would be worth a shot.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Actually she had a better idea. The other thing Bhloe was getting on her ass about was being nicer to Emily, which was hard since Emily was sometimes dumber than bag of rocks in the ocean. The moment after she bought the Bull Red she decided to give it to Emily.

 

She didn’t want to waste it, and Emily liked sugary things right?

 

Well, if Emily didn’t like it, it was better than a ham sandwich.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Emily!” She screamed into the Bella house.

 

“Yes Amy?” Emily winced, she was right next to the blonde doodling in her song lyric journal.

 

“Here you go!” She handed Emily the can and walked away, looking for Bumper or somedick.

 

Being nice was exhausting.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh my god.” It wasn’t as bad as when Chloe accidentally drank Aubrey’s coffee order, but it was nearing it.

 

There was glitter everywhere, like a small bomb exploded within the Bella house. Shards of paper littered the ground, massacred bits of tree decorated the floor. But the absolute worst part was the fact there was an animal shelters worth of dogs in their living room.

 

Emily bounced toward her, moving faster than a steam train barrelling toward a damsel in distress. She tackled Beca, wrapping her in a hug and shaking her up and down.

 

“Hi Beca!” She yipped. “I feel so zippity, like a zong zanging trippy trappy!”

 

“What happened dude?” She hugged Emily back, she wasn’t a monster.

 

“Oh Amy gave me a Bull Redcaffeineand I drank it and it tastes like liquid cotton candy so I drank the entire thing and I felt so yippity that I ran outside and rescued seventeen dogs and took them here isn’t that lovely!” The entire time Emily was jumping up and down while hugging Beca, by the end of her run-on paragraph Beca felt like a shaken beer.

 

Chloe had just arrived, groceries on her arms forgotten as she gapes at the thousands of dogs everywhere. Beca took her chance and handed Emily off to her redhead girlfriend.

 

“Em, go to your mother. Tell her about the dogs.”

 

When Emily bounced off she called Aubrey.

 

“Bree I need your truck.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“AMY!”

 

“Cap why are you here?”

 

“AMY YOU’LL START PAYING DUES!”

 

“What? Beca you’re delirious, here have a glass of Goon.”

 

“AND WHY IS BUMPER HIDING ON MY SIDE OF THE ROOM, I’M CALLING AUBREY!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Red Bull a lot more than Monster. And does anyone really react that much with caffeine? I just get more chatty and social. Most people I know it doesn't hit them at all. I feel slightly robbed, the one time the caffeine hit me I got a hangover.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	19. Help plox

Aubrey sipped on her iced coffee as Beca stood on her tippy toes desperately trying to grab the snacks Aubrey put on the shelf. Aubrey could reach them, and she had offered of course to help, but her irritating wife had been annoying about her radio choices so…

It kind of looked like Beca was fingering a giant, and with her grunts and moans, it quite sounded like it. Aubrey rolled her eyes after checking the time. It was five past one and they were going to be late if Beca didn’t get the chips soon. Her irritation with her wife couldn’t compare with her desperate need to be on time.

 

“Beca, love, do you need help?” She asked trying to be as neutral about their “vertical discrepancy”.

 

(Beca refused to acknowledge her shortness, it was oppressive apparently. But she was taller than the average Chinese woman, Aubrey even told her that to make her feel better. All she got was a punch in the arm and a scowl.)

 

Beca’s head whipped toward her so fast Aubrey felt the storm coming on.

 

The blonde groaned and stirred her warming iced coffee. Lord, they would be there the entire day if Beca had her way.

 

“How dare yoU!” Beca shrieked, her voice breaking harder than a boy going through puberty. “How, Bree, How dare you! I’m perfectly able to grab it myself! Fuck you!”

 

Aubrey rolled her eyes so hard she saw her brain and shrugged. 

 

“Alright then.” She turned around and began walking toward their car.

 

“Wait!” By now the blonde was getting dizzy from rolling her eyes so she refrained, barely.

 

“Maybe you could pull them closer toward the edge?” Beca asked in a small voice.

 

Aubrey cracked a smile. “I can’t believe I was sober when I said yes.” She sighed, walking back to the kitchen and pulling the box on the edge.

 

“But you said it!” Beca smiled, the box fell into her hands and she fist-bumped Aubrey.

 

“Let’s gooo Posen we’re going to be late!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://totallycorrectpitchperfect.tumblr.com/post/178993729803/beca-tries-to-get-something-off-the-top
> 
> Beca: *tries to get something off the top shelf*
> 
> Aubrey: You need help there?
> 
> Beca: *gasps dramatically* how dARE YOU INSINUATE I NEED HELP. I’M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF REACHING THE TOP SHELF BY MYSELF. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
> 
> Aubrey: alright then.
> 
> Beca:
> 
> Beca: Well… maybe you could just push it to the front a little so it’s easier to grab.


	20. Girl in the mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live!  
> Also, I thought of this when my dad's friends referred to their (most likely) wives as "Missus" and "Mistress". I was so confused, like are they all cheating? But it turns out it's just an old fashioned way of saying "the wife". I guess.

Beca and Chloe were doing shots with Aubrey’s rather expensive vodka while Aubrey tried to ignore the impending mess. Not that Beca would make one, but most because drunk Chloe was a force to be reckoned with. Aubrey was still reeling from the time Chloe decided to adopt an entire animal shelter.

 

The horses were fine, her brother was grateful for the help on his farm, but there were only so many people who had room for dogs.

 

Anyway it all started when Beca decided bragging about her alcoholism was cool. Chloe got affronted and demanded they do shots to see who could hold their liquor better. Truth be told neither of them really could, Beca generally got soda after her third round and Chloe went crazy with sugary drinks.

 

Doomed to her fate Aubrey watched her girlfriend chase each shot with Sprite, really they were drinking more Sprite than vodka at this point.

 

Just as she thought it couldn’t get more boring, her phone rang. Her brother’s name proudly in the center of the screen and Aubrey tried not to roll her eyes. She loved her brother, really, but there was only so much agriculture she could handle.

 

“Hi!” She said, putting him on speaker and her phone on the arm of the couch, not really ready to commit to holding the device.

 

“Hey.” He answered back. “How’s life? How is your mistress?”

 

“Good, good.” She answered back, unaware that the shot glasses stopped moving. “How are you and the missus?”

 

“Good.”

 

“Bree.” Chloe said, sounding suspiciously like Beca when their little DJ tried to contain her sarcasm. “Where is your mistress? I’ll kill that bitch.”

 

Aubrey rolled her eyes and pointed to the massive floor to ceiling mirror they had installed in the kitchen.

 

“Look in there.” She said, waving her hand. 

 

“Sorry?” Her brother asked.

 

Aubrey shook her head. “Don’t worry about it Chloe and Be…”

 

An earth-shaking boom yanked Aubrey out of her thoughts, she whipped her head towards the kitchen and saw Chloe angry looking at their broken mirror.

 

“Chloe!” She snapped. “Sorry, I have to hang up.”

 

She ran over, Beca was on the other side of the table angrily squinting at the glass shards still remaining. 

 

“What is your problem?” She yelled at the drunk ginger.

 

“You’re cheating on me!” Chloe slurred back, pointing a finger at the mess. “With that ginger! I am I not enough for you anymore? I can dye my hair!”

 

Good Lord.

 

Beca was nodding along from where she sat and Aubrey had half a mind to slap both of them.

 

“Chloe, you are my mistress.”

  
  
  



End file.
